Most phone conversations these days start with 'miss stephanie, when you come back?' (no typos included...). it breaks my heart, but makes me thankful for having such wonderful people in my life...especially here back at home. i am very thankful to have so many people that keep me in check in this season of healing and processing. seriously, praise God, and thank you all.
Being removed from living in a neighborhood where food stamps are a common source of help, hospitality was expressed hundreds of times daily, and joy was freely passed on from person to person, I know that is where I am to be. I am recovering from a traumatic experience, that when I say could have happened anywhere, people look at me in doubt. But if a man was sitting in my chair that night, would the incident have played out as it did with me?
I get frustrated when a group of men move into a neighborhood full of poverty and people are very supportive. Now, I’m not frustrated that they put themselves in such a situation, but what happens if a group of single women feel that calling, and have that strong passion in them as well, how is this to go about? People are very cautious, questioning constantly and very worried if an idea of moving into a neighborhood like so is discussed. And in some sense, they should be!
Women are vulnerable beings. We are physically weaker, we are mentally wired differently, and we are determined. After being attacked a wall of fear has come over me. I know where my heart lays; I know where my Pappa wants me. It’s even the times where I am most uncomfortable where I am closest to my Jesus. I have to depend on Him for safety, for comfort and for healing. I can’t get through a day without him. I am willing to live in that day to day fear, especially if that is where He wants me.
What happens after being temporarily removed from such a setting and culture shock sets in? You start to realize people are not aware of struggles that are just a few blocks away from their home of comfort, from their lives of entertainment. Even just sitting here in this coffee shop right now, I feel privileged. There’s no way any of my neighbors can afford to come in and buy a $3 cup of tea. What a waste! Yet so many people (and me before having my eyes opened from experience) take a $3 drink so lightly…so blindly. No one can understand until they are living right next door to such struggles and pains. And even then, it can’t be fully comprehended!
A part of me is angry at God and I want to question His will. ‘Why don’t you just send me a husband so people can approve of me living in such circumstances…so I can continue to serve and be served by such beloved people?’ But looking back at an incident where some friends of mine were robbed in their own backyard, I see it wasn’t the husbands that saved the women that night…it was God. As hard as that is for me to see, i find much comfort in that.
I am thankful to have the experience to have lived in a home with two gals and four other guys. It was such a unique setting, and the reason it was set up like so was for safety reasons. Because of the guy’s presence, us girls were able to live in the neighborhood that we did. What was really unique about it is that the opposite sex was living under one roof in a Biblical setting. Prayer, accountability, rebuking and laughter was an everyday occurrence. They are my brothers, and there was something about their presence that sent me comfort.
Is that the answer to living in such ‘dangerous’ places? Do we start intentional Christ centered communities that contain both male and female…or do we just trust God daily to protect us and live in all female households until marriage?
This I wouldn’t mind getting a second opinion on…or third or fourth….
I feel I’m called to live among the simple, but fear has shattered that want…but not completely. My heart is being tugged each day I’m removed from such a setting. That want may be diminishing, but not the desire, not the passion...that is coming straight from Christ.
My apologies, but this entry will be vague. I can say though, I am blessed to even be sitting here and writing this, as the Lord has not withheld his outstretched arm from me one second. He has been and is my ultimate protector. I will use Paul's words as they have been my reality; in the past week they have become like my own.
15Some, to be sure, are preaching Christ even from envy and strife, but some also from good will; 16the latter do it out of love, knowing that I am appointed for the defense of the gospel; 17the former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition rather than from pure motives, thinking to cause me distress in my imprisonment. 18What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed; and in this I rejoice. Yes, and I will rejoice, 19for I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayers and the provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, 20according to my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not be put to shame in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as always, be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. 23But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better 24yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. 25Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith, -Philippians 15-25
I will not walk away because my innosence, passion and understanding has been tampered with. I know where my Father wants me, and because of that, I will follow.
