to remember the first & second coming.

Oh, come, oh, come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come, our Dayspring from on high,
And cheer us by your drawing nigh,
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

Oh, come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Oh, bid our sad divisions cease,
And be yourself our King of Peace.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

i thank you and praise you pappa. you are such a humble, forgiving and gracious father. and you have come! and you shall come once more.

we're not meant to be.

my hands vs. His

things are hard and beautiful.
when i focus on my wants, it makes things harder. my selfishness takes over and i just want to be surrounded by the things only familiar to me. running into the opposite direction my Pappa wants me in is enticing.

"go live. live on a land you can help cultivate, away from oppression and injustice. away from all hate and anger. away from the lies of this world. live in peace with the ones you love, creating delicious colors to share with each other."

then i remember that doesn't make all the hurt go away. my neighbors just can't escape the displacement that they're in. they can't escape the worry of paying rent, the discrimination of having an accent and the constant lay-offs happening daily. how selfish living a life, ignoring such pain God's children hold.

i often wish my heart wasn't in a constant state of vulnerability towards my brothers and sisters in need. i've come to see my heart is not complete without them.

Song in a Year of Catastrophe.

I began to be followed by a voice saying: "it can't last. It can't last. Harden yourself. Harden yourself. Be ready. Be ready."

"Go look under the leaves," it said, "for what is living there is long dead in your tongue." And it said, "Put your hands into the earth. Live close to the ground. Learn the darkness. Gather round you all the things that you love, name their names, prepare to lose them. It will be as if all you know were turned around within your body."

And i went and put my hands into the ground, and they took root and grew into a season's harvest. I looked behind the veil of the leaves, and heard voices that i knew had been dead in my tongue years before my birth. I learned the dark.

And still the voice stayed with me. Waking in the early mornings, i could hear it, like a bird bemused among the leaves, a mockingbird idly singing in the autumn of catastrophe: "Be ready. Be ready. Harden Yourself. Harden yourself."

And i heard the sound of a great engine pounding in the air, and a voice asking: "Change or slavery? Hardship of slavery?" and voices answering: "Slavery! Slavery!" And i was afraid, loving what i knew would be lost.

Then the voice following me said: "You have not yet come close enough. Come nearer the ground. Learn from the woodcock in the woods whose feathering is a ritual of the fallen leaves, and from the nesting quail whose speckling makes her hard to see in the long grass. Study the coat of the mole. For the farmer shall wear the furrows and the greenery of his fields, and bear the long standing of the woods."

And i asked: "You mean death then?" "Yes," the voice said. "Die into what the earth requires of you." I let go all holds then, and sank like a hopeless swimmer into the earth, and at last came fully into ease and the joy of that place, all my lost ones returning.

-Wendell Berry 9/28/68

celebration.

I'm learning the value of Celebration. Jesus knew how to party, and as children of God, we should definatly party, as we have the ultimate reason to. I really enjoy the parable Jesus told to the Pharisees about the 'Great Feast' (found in the Gospel's...Luke 14:15-24) as it tells such an accurate description of my Pappa.

Some things i'm celebrating:
Front steps. These allow me to learn how to love, even with a language barrier.
My neighbors kids. Their laughter fills the air, along with their uncontrollable knocking on our front door.
Grace. I'm overwhelmed with the amount of it the Lord showers on me daily.
Miss. Melissa. Her sweetness, silliness and encouragement is definatly something to celebrate!
Trees. Their peacefulness, stillness and silence is something I'm learning from.
A place of solitude. This right here has been working beautifully...the sun shining in each morning sends me warmth from my father; a warmth that can only be found in prayer.
Weddings! What better way to to exemplify our relationship with our Creator. (When it's all over, i want to say: all my life i was a bride married to amazement. -Mary Oliver said it well) BUT let's also celebrate weddings of ones we hold dear to in our hearts. I can't contain the joy and excitement of a dear friend who's wedding celebration will be in the midst of the lilies and the leaves coming back to life!
Kentucky. My heart can be found in the red leaves and the blue grass, in the musical makings from Will Oldham and inside the written words of Wendell Berry's poetry...and the ones I love most, no matter how far away i am.

Saturday Nights.

turkish boogie from First and last name on Vimeo.

So our neighbors love to dance. And we do too. This only brings about a number of dance parties like so.

this week.

a few things i'm learning about myself:

-some of my favorite times of the week take place on the train.
this is where i'm learning to observe.
-some of the hardest times of a normal week take place inside my home.
this is where i'm learning that i'm awful at being selfless, but i'm learning that i do want to get there.
-i'm learning i am not the woman i thought i was. the Lord is breaking me down back to a ball of clay.
if i learn to submit fully to him, he will introduce me and shape me into the woman he wants me to be.
-i'm learning this is NOT easy...
-im on a radiohead kick this week. it's wonderful.
-even though saturdays are much different here in GA, they're still my favorite day of the week (see left...apologies about the blurriness). they are full of friendship making, and deepening those friendships. they are full of silliness and soccer. they are full of dancing and eating. they are full of smiling and laughing. all these things, i took for granted. I took them for granted until they became a rarity for a while. Their small absence let me see that my Pappa needed to use these things to send to me to help pull me through my day. Things that were once small to me are now very large. I am thankful for that.

a glimpse into georgia livin.

Mission Year September song from First and last name on Vimeo.

our creativity unleashed.

tongue and teeth only from First and last name on Vimeo.

please send us money.

Thirst

Another morning and i wake with thirst for the goodness i do not have. i walk out to the pond and all the way God has given us such beautiful lessons. Oh Lord, I was never a quick scholar but sulked and hunched over my books past the hour and the bell; grant me, in your mercy, a little more time. Love for the earth and love for you are having such a long conversation in my heart. Who knows what will finally happen or where i will be sent, yet already i have given a great many things away, expecting to be told to pack nothing, except the prayers which, with this thirst, i am slowly learning. -Mary Oliver Thirst.

Everyday is a challenge, and i know to expect many. Sometimes the knowledge of the challenges close ahead weighs heavy on me. Sometimes the knowledge of the challenges ahead increase my thirst. My longing for home weighs heavy on me. My longing for home increases my thirst. My longing for home brings me closer to my father.

Someone i loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.

ana jais. (i am ready...)

Late night solo bike rides.
City sky line.
Random truck rides.
Green peppers from the backyard.
Judah and Levi's imagination.
The recent meet up of futbol on Friday's.
American Spirit's on the front porch.
Dairy Del...and Sojourn.

There are plenty more places and things i'm going to miss here in Louisville. I miss my brothers and sisters already though. Those are the ones i'll miss the most. (especially the ones who i'm reminded of everyday by a certain dresser to the right of this temporary bed and by a certain dinosaur drawn on a wall. it has to be just a bit longer before our paths cross once again.) But the peace that's been placed inside of me still does not budge. Excitement is building and the reality of this next year just set in, two nights ago. I'm ready. Friday could not come soon enough.

Last night the rain spoke to me.

Last night the rain spoke to me slowly, saying what joy to come falling out of the brisk clouds, to be happy again in a new way on the earth! That's what it said as it dropped, smelling of iron, and vanished like a dream of the ocean in to the branches and the grass below. Then it was over. The sky cleared. I was standing under a tree. The tree was a tree with happy leaves, and i was standing myself, and there were stars in the sky that were also themselves at the moment at which moment my right hand was holding my left hand which was holding the tree which was filled with stars and the soft rain - imagine! imagine! the long and wondrous journeys still to be ours.

-Mary Oliver

keep the joy flowin.

These are my brothers and sisters, new and old. Some far in their journey with our Creator, some just starting out. We are apart of the same beautiful family adopted by the same gracious loving Father.

What opposite feelings it is to see a brother and sister enter into the family of eternal Love, and see a friend becoming so close to the gates of Hell. There are constant reminders of how i need to throw my own selfish plans out the window to stop fearing man, and this one was obviously huge. As a human being who constantly needs His grace, i also constantly need His loving reminders. People are small. God is big. I need to be fearing God, and out of that fear of God, love people. And constantly love God. I really need to step it up a notch.

bike rides and blessings.

I've got pictures of West Virginia mountains captured in my mind, ideas of Michigan waters around the corner, the excitement of Clarkston nudging me in the stomach...and still the longing for Yei presses on my heart.

One of my favorite people we got to know in Yei is Baraka. I adore his children. Grace, his eldest daughter at eight years old, stole my heart. I regret not getting to know his wife a bit more (who just had another child just the other day!), but seems as if it's one of those things that needed a bit more time. But we did get to know Baraka pretty well, as he was our driver for everywhere we went...which means atleast four hours a day together on a very bumpy, or dancy (whichever way you want to look at it) red dirt road. We'd all each lunch together, and help teach about the water systems together. Baraka became apart of our 'water team'. Here we are testing some water from a bore hole commonly used in Goli, a small town in Yei County. Baraka is telling us where the next bore hole to test is.

Baraka speaks excellent English, which helped us get to know him better, and gave him the opportunity to get to know us. He has an amazing sense of Humor and by Day 2 started to sling jokes and get smartelic with us...and us with him. I loved joking back and forth with Baraka, for some reason, it was a good trade.

When we were at the hospital in Goli we went invited the teachers down the road if they would like to learn about the water systems too (we decided to set some up at the school in Goli as well). In Sudan, there is a siesta time for the hottest part of the day, so school's take a break from 12-2. It was nearing towards 2pm and the teaches needed to get back to the school asap...so Baraka and i offered to let the teachers take our seats in the van (and let Sarah drive) and we would ride the teacher's bikes back for them. They were alright with this...and i was excited. I got to ride a bike, in the bush, in southern Sudan...with a destination. All the bikes in Yei are very large...so Baraka had to give me a bit of a push...which immediately brought laughter to us all.

So Baraka and I enjoyed our little bike ride from the Hospital to the school in Goli...

If you don't mind a few more minutes, i encourage you to read Baraka's story he told us the evening he invited us over (me paraphrasing it...):

I am 33ish and I come from a very large family, as my father had multiple wives. I am the first child of my father’s first wife. Because of this, when my mother died when I was three years old, I had to ignore going to school and step up to help my family. At the age of five I took on the skills of cleaning, cooking, fetching water, starting and sewing a garden, and looked after my younger siblings. At 16 I was married. Not too long after the wedding, Me and my wife had to flee to Congo because of the war. In 1997, I returned alone to Yei. Since me and Bishop Elias Tiban were the only two on the property we formed a very tight bond. Bishop, a Christian and former SPLA officer began teaching me about the Lord. Through this friendship, I learned English (very well) and helped Bishop develop the land that our homes, the EPC Yei church and the pastors now live on. My family moved back in May of 2003, as I now had a very nice home prepared for them. Not too long after their return my oldest daughter died of Malaria. She was only five years old.

But these people continue to push on! They do have three very beautiful, loving kids: David 12, Grace 8 and Isaac 2….and the new little one. Every morning Baraka and his wife spend the morning tending to their very large garden (which he calls small) together. He then spends the entire afternoon at work, as a driver for the EPC Yei church. He returns home each evening with receiving and giving hugs, showing much affection for the children that he is blessed with (which is uncommon for a father to show such affection to their children in their culture). Baraka is different. He holds on to the Lord’s joy, peace and love. He was one of my many teachers in Sudan.

Songs of New Sudan.

"It's amazing to me how much life and death can be held in one place. We visited the Lora Orphanage today. 94 children--14 more since the orphanage opened in April. Many apendages are missing in Lora, but the joy is not. One child had a leg blown off by a land mine (pretty common since there are still so many landmines in the South. They're in the process of demining.). This 12 year old boy was walking from Yei to Juba, which is a nine hour drive in itself (but on these dirt roads, 25 miles takes about 2 hours). Another boy was blessed by prostetic legs from an organization in States. Both of his legs (below the knee cap) were blown off by land mines. Seeing these kids smiling, singing and dacing brought and overwhelming amount of tears to my eyes. Even after everything they've been through, they refuse to let go of their hope.

Josaline, who i will adore in my heart forever, is the nurse at the Lora Orphanage. Her husband died of cholera last year. She is the mother of an 11 month old and a five year old, who both live in the orphanage with her. Josaline is constantly smiling, and her love for the 94 children she mothers over is hard not to notice. All the women (and men) who work at this orphanage have huge hearts for these children. The women are all widows. The widows are taking care of the orphans, and the orphans are taking care of the widows.

Even as you're driving down Juba Road, reminants of the war are left on the road side. There are many old tanks, pieces of blown up cars and machinery used for defense--but it never fails to see at least one child playing around these rusted obsticles.

We brought them clean water today--set up three systems for the 94 kids and 30 adutls. God is taking care of His people here in Sudan."
--Taken from my written journal, Day 7.

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." -James 1:27

the land of opportunity.

We danced because we could.

We jumped because we could.



We laughed because we could.


We played because we could.


and we loved...and still love so much...because we could.

they provided the laughter.

I can't help but think of Pastor Jackson's and Baraka's kids and family on a daily basis. WIth no proper goodbye, things do not seem complete, and i anticipate my return (whenever that may be) even more because of it.
Their daughters were full of joy and love. So smart and obedient. It makes me think if they were placed in a different culture, say more westernized, if they would still be smiling every second.

Being with the kids at the Americana Center all day today contributed to thought after thought of the kids in Yei...to here in America. Don't get me wrong, i love the kids at Americana deeply, but there are so many behavioral and anger issues, and many times, the kids just close up. Of couse, this is expected, and these are some of the main reasons for the center and why the workers and the volunteers are there: to alleviate and help them. I know they have these reactions because of such a change in environment, as it is a TOTALLY different world over here. So many adjustments are needed to be made with the move, that are very difficult. Not to mention many of these kids have seen and experienced more violence, death and hardness of hearts than we will and can ever imagine.

I am very thankful i have been given the opportunity to work with these kids, and have a heart for spending time with them. Which is why it is pretty amazing and awesome that i have been placed in Clarkston to do Mission Year. Clarkston is right outside the city limits of Atlanta and has a very large East African Population...mostly Sudanese. I will be able to continue working with such beautiful people as they learn to transition here in the States. ...In the meantime i will share some photos taken one of the many afternoons being completely silly for a good few hours...with the kids.

speak.

it was interesting to be in Sudan at the same time the International Crimianl Court put out a warrant against Sudanese president Omar al-Bashir. It made it all the more real. This world really does exist.

emmanuel jal

I came across Emmanuel Jal while reading Paste Magazine yesterday. I realized i had read about a small part of his story in the Dave Eggers novel 'What is the What' a few years ago. This man is full of passion and is all about spreading awareness for Southern Sudan. You can listen to previews of his music on his website:

http://www.emmanueljal.org/

do it...you'll get hooked...

red dirt to grey rock.

'Culture shock is already setting in. To be in a place where the roads are paved with concrete...not red dirt. where there are more cars than bicycles. where stores are actual buildings-not open huts and semi-small clay rooms. To be in a place where there are more 'cawaagas' (white people) than black people....' --taken from my journal as we were waiting in the airport in Entebbee, Uganda, on our way home.

The culture shock is settling a bit, but i still fee so unsettled. Just opening my drawer to pick out a shirt yesterday morning, was overwhelming. So many choices, that even i had been so disconnected from for 16 days straight. Just to see how developed our country is, how rich we all are in the states is a shock to me. We have full buildings that we live in! I can turn a knob and retrieve water to drink, or to start a machine to clean my clothes...and yet i still complain! These people spend hours doing these 'chores' i constantly complain about. I am blind to these blessings.
I also became blind to the poverty of the people in South Sudan. I seemed to forget these people aren't even a third world country yet. There was no one to compare them to...everyone is in the same poverty state. But it was their JOY, unity and community that was so strong. that made them seem far more wealthy than many of us! And they really are!

"Though they have been going through much trouble and hard times, their wonderful joy and deep poverty have overflowed in rich generosity." -2 Corinthians 8:2

One Love

I became pretty attached to all these ones. Especially four of the gals.

There was joy everywhere, especially around the EPC Compound.

The laughter never seemed to fade.

ita calas?

we are catching on to the arabic tongue here in Yei. My spelling is unsure, so i've been spelling as the words sound. So here is a brief update to what we have done and experienced here so far in Southern Sudan...ita calas? (are you ready?)

-we set up two water filtration systems in the orphanage in Lora, right outside Yei, a few days ago. 94 kids, 30 workers. I will put up videos and pictures of these amazing people upon my arrival, since the internet here is pretty slow... but this orphanage has clean water now!!

-Two systems were set up in Goli, a city in Yei, to a school of about 200 kids. This is where i got to ride a bicycle from the hospital in Goli to the school, so there would be enough room in the van. so yes, i rode a bicycle on the red dirt road here in Sudan. They say once the red dirt gets in you, you won't want to leave it...

-we are 'quadas' here...white people in arabic. the kids love yelling this while running up to us or as we are driving by. it has become quite humerous now.

-the game 'spoons' have become our nightly ritual with many of the locals. One of the first things some say when they see us in the mornings is "i'm the winner! we play tonight?" something we all look forward to.

obviously there is tons more to share but no time. Updates will be caught up with 'published' journal entries on here when i return back to the states. Our journey to the orphanage in Morobo is tomorrow! Please pray for a safe trip. Also...$5,000 was stolen from us last night. We know this will all be taken care of, but please pray for the person who stole from us and that the Lord will weigh heavy on his conscience and heart. The people here have been amazing to us. We are thankful and blessed for the joy that is spread around here.

until....soon...
steph

***edit:
so we found out the day before we left, after using this phrase for atleast a week now, that 'ita calas' really means 'are you finished?'. 'Are you ready?' is 'Ita jais?'. Zachariah especially had a good laugh out of this, spreading around the laughter...and story.

Yei day 3

hello from Yei!
beautiful weather.
beautiful people.
so welcoming.
after two days of traveling we are here.
and what a beautiful place it is.

the time is nigh.

Changes. Transitions. I'm in the midst. It's affecting my speech, my thoughts, my reactions. Not bad. Just different. And sometimes embarrassing, especially today. This is a great shot of how i've been feeling these past few days. a bit out of my head. realizing everything is out of my control, and learning to just accept it. realizing i leave home Tuesday with a destination of a very unfamiliar place halfway across the world.
This photo was taken Saturday evening at our last minute send off/fundraising party. That's mary ellen beside me. she's one wonderful wise woman. i'm eager to learn from her in these few weeks that we will be spending together in Sudan. $300 were donated to us by everyone that attended the party, finances that are much needed. Thank you all.
I am so thankful...and blessed. Blessed by my brothers and sisters that are all full of love...laughter...and encouragement. Such an overwhelming feeling, but full of peace.
I shall leave you with something i had read this past week from Jean Vanier's Community and Growth. It stuck out:

"Love is not something sentimental; it is much deeper than that. It is a power that brings people to greater inner freedom and growth."

word.

Q: What’s wrong with the world?

A: We are buried beneath the weight of information, which is being confused with knowledge; quantity is being confused with abundance and wealth with happiness. Leona Helmsley’s dog made 12 million last year… and Dean McLaine, a farmer in Ohio made $30,000. It’s just a gigantic version of the madness that grows in every one of our brains. We are monkeys with money and guns.

- Tom Waits (from his True Confessions interview with himself)

i gotta step back more.

Things are hard and it's getting more lonely here lately...which leads to plans that could happen a month after arriving back from Sudan.  Plans that would once again take me out of my comfort zone.  But when i find out if i'm supposed to fulfill this option, i'll be more specific.

But i got to thinking...

If it wasn't for me being single, would i have still become involved with Nadus?

If it wasn't for me being single, would i have still began to give my time to Americana Community Center?

If it wasn't for me being single, would the door that opened for me to go to Southern Sudan and meet more and help theses people, have been opened?  Would i have the same desires and passion and love for the beauty and culture and hold this bewildered amazement of and for the Southern Sudanese?  

maybe.

But it's pretty cool to look at it this way.  A way, that when you step back, you see that everything has it's reason and everything has it's place, and i am surly not in control.  and at the right times, that is so comforting to know.

let us respond.

'The response to war is to live like brothers and sisters.

 The response to injustice is to share.

 The response to despair is a limitless trust and hope.

 The response to prejudice and hatred is forgiveness.'

                                -Jean Vanier

i can't get to Africa without your help.

I am $3000 short for my trip to Sudan with Nadus that takes place in July. If this video moves you at all, i can give you an easy task to where you can be doing your part to help Nadus and most importantly, Southern Sudan.



ANY money is appreciated. If your heart softens for these people, and interest sparks, contact me (stephanie@nadusfilms.com) and i can give you information on where you can send money to.

thank you. and peace.
steph